Figures… I come down to Florida to escape the chill and cloudiness of winter and I’m treated with the humid pleasantness of 75 degrees. But, tomorrow comes an “arctic chill,” as they say on the Tampa news. As Dr. McCoy said demurely in one of the Star Trek movies I can’t quite remember right now (Star Trek IV), “Oh. Joy.”
Yeah. It’s supposed to get in the 30s down here tomorrow evening. It’s sure a good thing I packed one pair of jeans and my token sweater, which is a habit Ohioans get into whenever traveling. It doesn’t matter where–Jamaica, Bermuda, Trinidad, Death Valley, Venus–an Ohioan always packs at least one warm outfit in preparation for some unforeseen change in the weather. Living in bipolar Ohio, you just know that you can’t assume anything. Looks like the jeans I was so anxious to shed after landing in St. Petersburg last night will become my attire for the next two days. Thanks, Mother Nature. Thank you very much. You couldn’t let me enjoy some tropical goodness for at least four days? My luck. Of course, my best friend is blaming this weather on me. And she might well be right; every time I went to California as a kid, it would rain and in the summer it rarely rains in California. But it did whenever I went there. It’s also a well known fact that Ohioans–especially Clevelanders–carry with them a cloud of doom that dowses the light of the sun for all those who encounter them.
I can just see my fellow Ohioans jumping up and down with glee, mockingly laughing, “Ha ha.” Well, laugh it up, Fuzzballs. That’s all I gotta say about that!
While the weather is still nice, however, we’re spending our New Year’s Eve bowling. This is an activity Best Friend and I used to enjoy every Sunday for two years before I moved down to North Canton. I used to work on Sundays at the law firm in downtown Cleveland, and then I’d go straight to the Best Friend’s house. We’d go to a Chinese restaurant–different ones every week–and then spend the evening bowling, drinking, bowling, and just having the best of time. It was the one night a week her husband watched the kids and let us have fun. I had no boyfriend. Life was perfect.
Sometimes I look back at those days as a pretty peaceful, easy-going time. I was still living at home and that sucked. But I had my first job and finally some money to spend (since I wasn’t paying rent anywhere). Best friend and I had come back together after our lives took separate directions in college. It was just pleasant.
It was fun, too, because she helped me flirt around with guys. That was nice. Of course, I never had much luck when fishing for men. I’m not too good at “sealing the deal.” Guys always kind of scared me in those last seconds when you both agree that you mutually like each other. I always wanted to pull the emergency brake, feeling sick to my stomach. I can’t explain it. I guess I’m always afraid to cross that line because I have so many requirements for men and even admitting to them that I “like” them or am interested is like making some sort of scary commitment, even when there isn’t yet a commitment to be made. It just opens up a can of worms and I act crazy and my life doesn’t seem to be wholly my own anymore. It’s always hard for me to cross the line of flirtation to even go on a single date. As soon as I commit to that first date, there’s a chance for rejection or I learn something about the person that makes them incompatible and I got all worked up about possibilities over nothing. I don’t care what you say, once both sides have admitted to an interest, disappointment is already a possibility. I just suck at the whole casual dating thing. I’m a freak.
Anyway, those were some good times in our lives. I don’t expect tonight to be like that. You can’t recreate the past once it’s moved on no matter how hard you try. I’ll still have fun–I’m with Best Friend and we’re bowling–but it won’t be the same and there will be a little melancholy in that for me. I’m not good with change. But we’re no longer 22… we’re both 10 years older with 10 years of life and changes behind us… Here we are: one soon-to-be divorcee and one widow. Kind of makes you think. When two sixth grade girls met and dreamed of our lives, this is not quite how we envisioned our lives turning out. I wonder if anyone gets the life they imagined at age 13. I bet some people do.
Because I don’t have access to exercise equipment and I’ve been eating all day, I’ve been feeling fat. I was thinking about this, how I can’t stop obsessing about how fat I am, and I realized that when I was down in Florida visiting my mother-in-law in Thanksgiving 1999, I didn’t exercise while I was here. I don’t remember obsessing about being fat that whole week, like I do now. I was also seven years younger with a better metabolism and I was 130lbs. I am 150 now and despite a summer of 2,842 miles of bike riding, I’m still at that weight. I just can’t seem to drop it. I eat salads every day for lunch. I eat salmon and rice for dinner… sometimes I just have soup… and sometimes I just eat vegetables. I just can’t seem to get my weight down. Back in Colorado, I was 130lbs and the only thing I did different was eat a granola bar only for breakfast. I think I ate smaller lunches and only a potato and veggies for lunch. I feel like I need to just eat saltine crackers for the rest of my life. I’ve really become obsessed with my weight. I’m afraid that I will no longer be attractive to men… It’s hard to be single in your 30s when all the guys around you would prefer to date skinny 20-somethings. Even 50-year old guys would rather date skinny 20-somethings.
I gotta stop obsessing. I feel fat in the outfit I’m wearing right now, so I think I might change into something else so that I don’t bring in the New Year obsessing. I’m supposed to be on vacation having fun, right?
Well, the Best Friend and her boyfriend are at the laundry mat, so I’m just pissing around on my blog. I think I’ll go change my clothes about 50 more times, put on my makeup, and then go read on her screened porch. We’re bowling at 9 until the stroke of midnight. I’m going to partake quite liberally of the alcoholic beverages at the bar and I hope to bring in the New Year blissfully inebriated!
Tomorrow, the Best Friend and I are going to go see Sweeney Todd so I’m excited about that. We’re going to try to get our tattoos done on Wednesday. The tattoo shop wasn’t open today to allow us to make an appointment, so I hope they can fit us in on Wednesday! Otherwise, I’m just going to have to write in to Miami Ink and ask Chris Garver to marry me. No! Did I say that!? I mean, I want to ask Chris Garver to do a tattoo for me… yeah… that’s it… =)
I hope everyone is having a fun and safe New Year’s Eve.