Still out here

I’m still in a bit of a funk… I seriously don’t know what’s going on, but I suspect it’s a little like a friend said on her blog: I’m letting my dark side take over. It kind of sucks.

It’s not like the darkness is keeping me indoors, though. I’ve been keeping myself pretty busy, which is what happens to me when I fall into a funk. I do everything I can to avoid the demon sitting at home in the living room. I keep myself so occupied that I haven’t a moment to spare to think about how I feel. I just keep pushing my body to the point of exhaustion so that all I want to do when I get home is veg and/or sleep. I suppose this is dysfunctional and it will undoubtedly catch up with me later, but maybe in some ways I need this time to come back out into my own, secure my path in the world by making new friends and solidifying relationships with existing friends. I think part of the process of getting through a break up is rediscovering your own interests, talents, and social networks and expanding on all of them. Which is not at all unlike the process of rediscovery that you have to go through when you lose a spouse. In fact, a grief counselor I once spoke to said that we grieve losses of all kinds every day–break-ups, youth, fights with good friends, the death of our four-legged friends, and, believe it or not, even the loss of significant possession. So what I’m going through is normal. I think part of the problem with this last relationship is the fact that we spent so much time together that I did let some important things in my life slip. So it’s time to pick these things back up.

Unfortunately, writing has not been one of those things. I know, I know. I give myself guilt trips all evening as I sit in front of the TV watching episodes of Buffy (I just finished Season 4, by the way). I feel incredibly inspired by all the character development and the crafted story arcs (and they all are good, even if you aren’t into the villain of a particular arc). So I’m trying to pass it off as research–expanding the literature of my mind and stimulating my long-dead writing senses. Thus far I’ve not been inspired enough to actually walk to my computer and work on my memoir, but you know, these things will happen in good time. (Probably after I’ve obsessively made it through all seven seasons of Buffy… ssssshhhhh!) Rest assured, I’m really laying the guilt in thick, though.

On the social front, I’ve joined Fagowees. I decided I need a drinking club with a skiing problem right now. I know it’s a little late in the season to start with a skiing club, but I figured now’s as good a time as any. It gives me a reason to attend a meeting once or twice a month where I get an open bar and some new people to talk to. And, I’ll get a nice name tag. That will be keen. Already, a Fagowee whom I already knew through ABC informed me that I will make a good Fagowee. I think that was his way of telling me that he’s seen how much I can drink. Oops. (No, really, those days are behind me.) They let me do the “shot ski”–a ski with five shot glasses attached to it which is hoisted up while five people take shots off of it at the same time–on Tuesday which was some sort of (voluntary) initiation rite. (Thank you, Diane, for teaching me to do shots in college; it’s been an invaluable skill in my adult life.)

In other news, my car has been giving me all sorts of annoying trouble. My dad’s going to look at it. It’s either the catalytic converter… or an oxygen sensor that got jostled when my dad pulled off the disintegrating cover to the catalytic converter. I’m hoping it’s the later. I totally hate that cars fall apart after 5 or 6 years; my car’s going to be 7 and it’s been paid off for years. I want a new car, but I just don’t want the car payments. Acks. I wish I could just take public transportation everywhere or something.

The medical bills have been a little bracing. Oh, nothing serious. I had an MRI to ensure some migraines I’ve been having are just migraines. It turns out they were and I’m okay, but I’m left to pay $600 for the services. If the doctor had told me it was going to cost me something, I might have reconsidered the peace of mind. To top it off, I just got a bill from a collection agency for some unpaid medical bill from my little trip to the hospital last year when I (embarrassingly) fainted in a restaurant and hit my head on the floor on the way down. (Please, people, if I faint in front of you–and you know why it would happen and it’s your fault for showing me something bloody or discussing former disgusting injuries–DO NOT call EMS!) They had given me a CT scan and apparently I own the hospital some $300 that I don’t remember them billing me.

I wouldn’t be bitching so much about the bills had I not just paid for a Boston Mills 2010-2011 season pass, a plane ticket to Seattle for my summer trip, the full cost of my rental bike in Seattle (in advance–yeah, WTF?), the deposit for several of my accommodations while out west, and an accidental pay-in-advance room rate for my stay in Michigan when I go to the U2 concert. Or if my car wasn’t foreshadowing repair doom. Fortunately, there appears to be a form in the $600 MRI bill that says I can pay it off slowly. I haven’t read the fine print to see if I can qualify; if it is, I think I’ll be doing that. I’m so bummed, though, because I was going to buy a set of 32mm tires for the Surly, which are currently on sale at Century Cycles. Life goes on, I guess.

The best thing that happened to me this week, though, was a surprise gift I received in the mail from my pen pal/high school English teacher/Star Trek buddy, Mr. K: a young Dr. McCoy action figure (from the new Star Trek rebooted movie). Mr. K has been one of my best friends for years. He listened to me through some bad periods in my life in high school and we have been writing to each other since I graduated. He’s attended all the important events of my life: my high school graduation party, my college graduation party, my wedding, Mike’s funeral. He’s always been there for me. He’s always given me kind, supportive words. And somehow he knew something as simple as Dr. McCoy action figure would cheer my mood at just the right moment! I’m so grateful to have him in my life!

I spent a lot of the last few weekends busying myself into exhaustion as well with lots of skiing. I had a great day trip to Seven Springs last Sunday where the snow was unbelievably wonderful and the conditions were almost as good as being out west.  I had to re-learn how to ski in deep snow and skier-made bumps. But my skis were cutting the snow like butter–very forgiving when I didn’t make a good turn around a would-be mogul. As my friend Janet said on Monday morning, “It was as if yesterday was just a dream because I was so tired.  It was a great dream though!”

This weekend, I plan to take it easy… I would love to do another Sunday at Seven Springs with Janet, but the encroaching financial stress has left me feeling a little more frugal. I plan to ski at Boston Mills on Saturday (since I do have that pass and I only need one more trip there to ski off the cost of the season pass–next year I’ll ski free!). I am attending an event that I bid on at my church’s service auction in October called “Humorous Music Night.” Any event with people from my church is fun… and interesting.

So I’m out and about in the world… staying warm… and just trying to focus on keeping myself from wandering into the wilderness of my mind. I’m sorry that my entries on here have been reduced to haiku and pointless rambling like this entry. I’ll get back to my awe-inspiring thoughts and introspective trip reports. As soon as I find my muse. Have you seen her? Tell her I’ll raise her wages.

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